Shape Shifter

My husband is the kind of guy who really wants to be able to solve the problem.  Bless him.   I know when I tell him that I went to yoga class this  morning and cried he will immediately want to solve it.   However, having been together for long enough now I can tell him I don’t need a solution and he will understand that I’m not talking about a problem/solution, that I’m sharing with him part of my journey; I am inviting him to join in on the constantly shifting tides on my path to radiant living.

My family had a joke for a few years there that every time I changed my hair style or color that I was taking out some internal shift on my head.  Of course that pissed me off, but of course it was true.    I am the kind of gal who has always been a shape shifter.  Much of the shape shifting has been expressed through different ways of dressing and expressing outwardly how I feel.

Over the years of trying on different identities, negotiating different friendships and relationships my perspective has been that so much of this life is transitory and impermanent.  And so much of life really is always changing.  And for me, this is not so much a problem.  Looking back I am sorry that I let go of too many good people because I convinced myself that I was not loveable or even likeable.  At the time I wrote it off as part of the impermanent nature of life, and that is one way to deal with change, heart break or being uncomfortable.

But now I am trying to grow up around certain behaviours and patterns and some of these same old excuses are not cutting it.   I am not allowed to chicken out from living the most amazing life possible.

So this means I really have to look at and be in the uncomfortable parts of myself and for real decided who’s steering this ship.  My tendencies, my fears, my love of intensity, my love of love, my need for your approval (or disapproval at times), or my clearest vision of the brightest life.  This vision includes all that stuff, but it’s the captain of the ship, not anything else.

Thankfully yoga shapes have taught me to turn to the much more interesting inward shifts.    The internal nature requires that we have patience in the unfolding of our sweet selves.  This process doesn’t always feel sweet, this is one reason many people go to yoga class and find themselves crying.  But that feeling is transitory and another one will come.  And if we hold steady to the vision we design for ourselves then we don’t have to let intense feelings run us… ruin us or any precious moment we are given in this life.

 

 

Home Work.

It had been my dream for so many years to quit my day job and to teach full time.  I was a career advisor.  Encouraging people to do what they love, working with a team of awesome people.   Then I took my own advice and  leapt into what I love trusting that the money and security I needed for my family would follow.

I was lucky to have enough offers on the table to pretty much start off with full time teaching.  I could also finally take more than one class a week because I had a little more time.  I could finally also invest in more time at home in my own sweet practice.

However, the insanity that is mother’s guilt sets in almost daily.   Because my office is my home.  Where I mother, and wife, and host dinners, and family weekend visits….

It’s been a difficult to manage being at work mode versus being at home mode.  When the office switch on I am planning classes, workshops, retreats, I am reading, listening to lectures, staying on top of finances, taking courses etc.   It’s tough sometimes to not feel guilty that I am really enjoying every part of my business… versus being the housewife, stay at home mother.  But because my business is based out of my home, but I am not just mothering my child, I am mothering my passion so that I can get really clear when I step up to teach yoga.

However I have to remind myself that IT IS MY JOB to practice, study and invest in yoga. It’s my job.  I am still amazed at this because I love it so much.

Recently I decided to clear out a space in the house as an office.  I am working on getting it ready for me to be totally dedicated to investing soley in my yoga business.  Let me be clear.  My yoga is often, daily, moment to moment, how I relate to my family and friends in the space of my house and beyond.  One of the reasons I practice hatha yoga and meditation is so that I might able to be more present with those that I love.  This influences one of my missions as a teacher of yoga; to teach people how to better be in relationship with themselves and the world, so that we can be more response-able, rather than reactive.

I hadn’t prepared or imagined that the switch from having the office you go to to the office you need to create in the space where you live.  It’s so interesting doing what you love… it hardly feels like work, but what you love deserves the space and boundary we give to the daily grind so that it’s more effective and efficient.

Just sayin’… I know I’m not the only momma, yogi, householder out there to struggle with the dance of how to balance life, profession and passion.  May they blend together in blurry, messy, delicious moments, but may they also, at the same time, have their own clear boundaries so that our passions know no limits.

Living Forgiveness

When I meditate and draw my awareness into the seat of my heart it is a vast space with infinite capacity for light.  Having recently spent much of my practice this space in the last few years I’ve come to understand that a large part of my calling is forgiveness.   Forgiving those who’ve trespassed upon me and forgiving my self for trespassing upon others.

I am a very firey person.  I enjoy in and even indulge in that fire.  I have had several causes for being angry, hurt… haven’t we all?  It’s just that my yoga practice and becoming a mother continue to invite me to see something more.  I don’t need to hang on to that anger or hurt.

Really.

Thank Goodness.

Time to let go of the charge behind the stories of where I’ve come from and move forward with a clear choice set in the vastness of my heart.

Specifically I am talking about forgiving the abuse from when I was a child.  All of my abusers were male ( yes I’m talking about sexual abuse, and yes more than one trespasser).  I share this with the wide world because I believe that telling our stories is one form of shedding the hold they may have.  It’s a fine balance, we can get really into telling them and become defined by the hurt and/or as the person who tells their hurt story… I share this also because I know that this topic isn’t discussed much in yoga communities and I know I’m not the only one affected by this form of hurt.

Recently I met up with this old hurt in a new way.  I found out that someone in my life that I respect hasn’t always treated women respectfully. Learning this literally broke my heart.  Apparently I’ve got work to do here because it’s such a big button.  It brought up the ugly old feelings and also, most importantly meant that I have to look at my shit.  Again.

As we know on the spiritual path, a breaking heart can eventually lead to a break through or a breaking open should we rise to meet the hurt.   So what I’ve done with that energy and emotion is to sit with it.  I didn’t want to react.  In private I’ve shared with trusted friends my confusion, my pain and my uncertainty.  Publicly my classes have been a little darker in their themes because all I felt I could offer was that it’s ok be uncertain.

And so over the last few months I’ve come to the following conclusion.  I made a gesture fifteen years ago of showing up to the cancer clinic when my grandfather was dying.  I  brought him a potted flower and talked of forgiveness so that he could have peace.  In light of the big button push from my disappointment and heartbreak I have recently mulled that gesture of forgiveness over.  As Martin Luther King Junior states so clearly, to embody forgiveness, to really live it, we must consider that “Forgiveness is not an occasional act but a constant attitude”.  It’s nice to say you forgive, but can you show up in that decision, in that choice, every day, and also each time life presents you with a new and creative way of engaging in your choice to forgive?

In the seat of my heart it has become clear that forgiveness means thinking on a bigger level and that to truly forgive means that I must consider that part of Nature is rooted in sexuality that sometimes crosses lines.  Does this make it excusable in human behaviour?  Not really, but somewhat understandable.  Us humans with our special insights into Consciousness need to be accountable for our trespasses and hopefully not choose to make them in the first place.

However, us humans, we fuck up.  But we are not rooted in evil.  We are not all bad.  None of us.  We can certainly make stupid, harmful and very hurtful choices but this does not have to be the definition of how we see each other.  This is not how I want to look at you, or have you look at me.  My yoga asks me to engage in this understanding (look for the good) and I’m so interested in this dialogue because it’s like the pose you hate.  It’s such a great teacher.

I really don’t define myself too much by the hurt anymore.  But at the same time I am who I am because of the opportunity in the deep hurt for growth, for more love and for forgiveness.  Yep, that which doesn’t kill will make you stronger.  Stronger in what is the question.  Stronger in anger, hurt, despair or … love?  May we choose love even when it hurts.  Forgiving others is forgiving yourself.  Choosing forgiveness over the story of your hurt is not easy but is much more liberating.

You Hold the Key to Tranformation: A Call to Spiritual Warriors

“I will mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

Anusara Yoga (R) is based in a life-affirming vision of Shiva-Shakti Tantra.   This means that as seekers of enLIGHTenment we make our work cultivating light, cultivating love.  We affirm light and love in our hatha yoga practice, becoming more and more skillful at creating and holding conditions in our body/ mind/heart experience that invite and sustain more light, that are a deep well of love.

In the times that I have been fortunate enough to study with John Friend he has, every time, talked about the 4 relationships in life.  The first relationship is with our Teacher.  This can be any person or experience that illuminates the Highest in you.  Included in this relationship is the idea that we are student to the Teacher, we submit, we bow… we receive.  This relationship asks us for loving respect.  The role of Teacher is not fixed.  It can change as you change and your relationship to the world changes.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be a person, but can be, for example, a yoga pose.

The second type of relationship is to the Student.  This can be anyone that learns from you.  Your children, your mentees, people who look up to you and turn to you for your advice. This relationship asks us for compassion.

The third type of relationship is to the Friend, your peers.  The company you keep.  This relationship asks us to live in joy.  This relationship asks us to take pleasure in delighting in other people’s well-being and success.

The fourth type of relationship is that of the Enemy.   The quote at the top of this post was copied from Facebook, so many people posting this in response to Osama Bin Laden’s death.  So fantastic to see so many of you, my teachers, my students and my friends choosing love, cultivating light.  When confronted with the enemy John suggests that we step back and take eagle vision to find equanimity and acceptance (upekshanam).  Remember the big picture and look for the good.  This is a practice that requires, at times enormous strength and simultaneously, tremendous softening.  Also a remembering.  I’ve never met an evil baby.  We all came from that place, we all have that deep yearning to know and express love.

In my own practice this has been incredibly powerful.  The enemy may come in the form of another person.  I’ve dealt with big enough darkness in my own life so far.  Thankfully my mother always taught me to believe in my own power, to believe in the power of attitude.

And that mysterious element of Grace that came as a seed in a dream when I was 13 going through my own personal hell.  My dream called to that deep longing that I could heal myself and people in magical ways.  My own struggles as a result of suffering in the hands of others have been the richest source of my own power to create and sustain light and love.

The internal battles, the enemies we create within our own existence, are excellent starting places to practice upekshanam.  The enemy within can poison our sweetest efforts without many people noticing.  That nagging voice within that is so scared – for whatever reason – or angry (which is scared) can become a rich source to a more sacred existence.  Practice loving yourself and all of your states.  Accept that you get pissed off, and step back out of the story.  Notice the quality and quantity of energy behind the emotion.   Notice where you feel it in your body.  Hold your feet firm, steady to the earth and simply allow the current to flow through you. (Deepest gratitude to John Friend for this tip in a five minute conversation which has profoundly changed my life).

For so long I was attached to the story behind some deep sadness.  Stepping away from the story and observing the energy in my body has allowed me to heal in super transformative ways.

The word Guru (the teacher, the weighty one) is comprised of two root complimentary compliments in Sanskrit: the syllables gu (गु) and ru (रु) stand for darkness and light, respectively.  From the dark comes the light, from the deepest muck grow the most beautiful flowers, from the dark depths of a mothers womb a child is born. From the darkest parts you there is an invitation to the most luminous light.  Your most challenging, dreaded pose/emotion/experience can become your beloved, it can become not just a friend but a teacher who’s lessons help you live more brightly in your own heart and by doing so help inspire others to do so as well.

Step back, see and accept the invitation to experience the energy, the essence.  This begins within, the more you accept the dark parts of your psyche the more you will be able to practice this without.  This does not mean being complacent.  It is a call for more reverence, dignity and love for all beings, always.

I’m Angry Too

Markers on the path of yoga are found in different ways.  One of which is how we hold our practice off the mat.  This is the reason I love Anusara Yoga so much, it truly empowers people to make decisions from the heart.  One cool trick I’ve been working on is responding versus reacting.

There is no more advanced practice than staying calm while in the company of the incessant non-stop tantrums from a toddler.  In this last week Owen has shifted back into the “terribles” and is truly testing us in as far as when we will cave to his shouting, hitting, kicking, screaming etc.    The last couple of weeks has been super intense in other ways too –  when it rains it pours.    All of us in this close family of three having been battling one or more of the following: illness, loss, challenges in professional and personal aspects.

We all have our ways of coping.  I have been trying to get out of the coping mechanisms and seeing the energy that could be put to use.  For example, I have more fiery tendencies so with all my anger I have put to use by running.  I have found a method that works for me because running isn’t my favourite, but I always feel so much better afterwards and way less pissed off.

With Owen’s tantrums I have been using a mantra practice.  Calm being the repeated word.  When I slip up and, well, react (YELL) I am able to get back into calm space easier and quicker than even a year ago.   This is evidence to me that my practice is working.

Today I took Owen to see Santa.  It’s that time of the year when it’s more crowded in public spaces.  So I did a bit of a dance trying to walk past and not through a woman and her two wee children in the mall today.  I smiled at her, like we do when we greet someone face to face, and she replied as she brushed past, ‘what are you retarded?’

!

Was my reaction…  I was immersed in shock. Those poor kids that were with her… Who speaks like that?!

So I said Merry Christmas!

As I put Owen on the Santa Train I thought – I’m not going to lie- I understand why people haul off and punch ‘strangers’.  I then noticed how tight my body felt and that I wasn’t breathing.  So after the train Owen and I walked around a bit and I concluded that she was likely having a bad day.

Then… 20 minutes later Owen and I are near the front of the line as Santa has finally arrived.  I turn around and there she is.  She looks at me and makes a face – seriously she made a face – bulging her eyes out and putting her hand on hip.   As if to entice me into a reaction.  As if to invite me to further confrontation.  I turned back to my delighted son and felt so sorry for this woman.  It truly sucks to be that wrapped up in anger.  I have been there.  I wanted to say something.  Something loving to her.   I didn’t because it wasn’t appropriate with all the kids and her predilection for nastiness.

I am so grateful my yoga practice  teaches me awesome stuff about my body  and how to get into some cool stuff like handstands and sexy twisty bound lotuses… I am also so grateful that Anusara Yoga doesn’t stop there and that teachers of this system are told not to compromise talking about the heart and the philosophy of looking for the good.    I am also so grateful for the teachers who’ve shared how emotional energy can be transformed into just that, energy if we choose to respond rather than react to it.

The Gift

A few months ago when I was experiencing the loss of a baby a good friend suggested to me that I consider being really kind to my body and to book into massage and chiropractic therapy as a way to heal.  I am so grateful I listened to her.   After a few months of fairly regular appointments with practicioners and my continued asana practice I am feeling like my body is shaping into a different form.  Literally and energetically.

Since Owen was born I have experienced a chronic pain in my right rib – it feels like the back bottom rib pokes into my lung.  Hurts to breathe, sit, stand.  The Universal Principles of Alignment have been somewhat helpful, but sometimes I am too much in my head and applying the principles becomes an intellectual not visceral endeavor.

Then there’s the anger.  Those who know me well enough know that I am pretty fiery.   Since the miscarriage I have been watching my anger, noticing when it comes up, and where I feel it in my body.  Paying attention like this is a great way to transform old stuff into less intense experiences.  It’s also become appearent that so often my anger is directed right back into myself.  My massage therapist suggests that it’s actually pulling my right rib cage in and going straight to my liver.

My teachers ask me to look for the good.  First.  Always.  Thank goodness.  Seeing the good in chronic pain and in an emotion that is one I tend to avoid expressing because I am actually afraid of being an angry bitch is an advanced practice.  What mindful attention to anger does is show me how to channel the power behind the anger into that which I love.  It’s also shown me that denying how angry I am is not the way, that denying it means I am internalizing the it and having to physically contort to hold it in.  The story about what makes me so angry isn’t important.  It’s old old story.  However working with the feeling, in my body, working with the energy behind the anger is important.  When I drop the story -the drama- around the anger and all that’s left is the feeling then I put myself back in the driver seat because then it’s at it’s essence.  Energy, shakti.

I have been listening to Douglas Brooks‘ Triadic Heart of the Goddess.  In this lecture he talks about three goddesses, one of which is Kali.  The dark mother who gives life and then also devours it.  Many Western traditions spin Kali into a demon (in the Judeo-Christian sense).  However, from a Tantric perspective the devouring Kali is just as good as the one who gives life.  I have been thinking about how Her ability to devour and absorb, be nourished by all of life, even or especially by demons, is what I need to do with this injury.  Then I came across this blog from Certified Anusara teacher Zhenja La Rosa

“The word for “demon” in Sanskrit is rakshasa, which literally means “the protected ones”. It’s a strange idea, but they are protected in the sense that they cannot destroyed. The teaching of demons is that there are indeed real adversaries in the world that we must face, AND that you can’t ever really get rid of anything that exists. Everything must have its place (and so the Tantric strategy is first one of radical affirmation of the world), and the key to yoga is where to place things so that what is truly adversarial doesn’t destroy us or create more demons.

How does Kali handle Rakta Bija? Well of course the first thing she tries is to slay him. Don’t we all? Whenever there’s anything challenging or adversarial that we’re up against, the impulse is to destroy it. But the teaching of Rakta Bija is that this doesn’t really work; if we try to slay a demon, it just creates more demons. Kali’s response, then, is to roll out her huge tongue and swallow all of the Rakta Bijas whole. In this way she gives the protected ones a place, a place inside where they can be assimilated and turned into her nourishment and fortification.”

In other words ‘That which is in your way, is the way‘.

Physically this has meant that there’s a certain amount of tinkering to morph around the stiff pain – which really is alot of refining.  However the big gesture is the one to start with, opening to possibility of transforming into a new way of being held by the currents of Grace so that I can live more freely in my authentic self, in my heart, the heart that connects me to you.  Opening my heart and mind to a new way of understanding and experiencing my embodiment as radically powerful, not as my downfall or something to transcend but rather as a gift is really what yoga is about.  How do we experience and engage the gift even or especially when the gift is challenging?

I’m just going to grow with it.

Choose your own adventure

Many times I have heard the sentiment of how expectations can lead to suffering.  Various schools of yoga assert this, Buddhism and other philosophies I’m sure.  When I first came across this in my early teens my reaction was, ok, but how do you not expect something?  And also, isn’t that a bit boring?  Aren’t we driven by goals, desires, dreams etc?  If we don’t expect anything what drives us?

Motherhood has taught me a lot about the expectations I have of myself, of my time, of my son, my husband.  Somewhere along the way in life I have signed up for a bunch of storylines that don’t necessarily serve me in being the best (PRESENT) mother, wife, yogi.  So lately I have been really listening to the story I tell myself in any given moment.  By listening I mean I just tune in to witness the running monologue of expectations and just notice with very little judgement, and great affection to the ways in which my mind fluctuates and is embedded in certain stories.

In particular I have been listening to the stories I tell myself around my body, my appetite and my appearance.  This listening is so powerful because now I get to decipher if what I am telling myself is true and whether or not I want to subscribe to any given story line.

For example, is it true that I am unworthy and powerless if I eat pasta?  WTF?!  Life is too short, too precious to waste on cultivating that belief.  How about I cultivate story lines that are based in strength, love, compassion.  Something like, I like pasta and can be trusted with a plate in front of me and it enjoying it will lead to satisfaction because I am aware of feeling my belly.  AND when I eat like this, tuned into my body, trusting my appetite I am honoring, I am feeding my spirit.  Now that’s a good use of time.

AND it shows Owen to that his mother values her body, her instincts and her power.  He is not privy to my inner dialogue but because  kids are so sensitive to our energy, so open and receptive to emotions in the room I know he is learning from me.

Much of this contemplation came from reading Women, Food and God. It’s a really honest incredible book that has helped me on my path to knowing peace in my body, peace in my relationship to myself.    From this peace I am more grounded and open to all potentiality that I can experience in my body and in this life.  Props to Oprah for showcasing this book and helping me in my path.

So, what I figure, we can be liberated from the suffering of the shackles of unchecked expectations by first listening to what yours are, then using breath – be spacious in exploring whether or not it’s True, and then choose if that expectation is what gets to guide you.